Dec 22 – Jan 19
Mars is in the second house which means you should start looking ways to sprout tentacles from your eyeballs. Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels, particularly on the 12th.
Jan 20 – Feb 18
As Venus aspects Saturn this could be a good time to freeze yourself in a block of ice. The afterwards, you can brighten up your day by wrapping yourself in a warm blanket and repeatedly sneezing in a mirror for fun.
Feb 19 – March 20
Stop trying to cross-fertilize camels with deer spleens! Are you fucking stupid? Have you wondered why there are so many giant caterpillars flying over your house recently? Well now you know why and now you also know the cure to leprosy. Think on.
March 21 – April 19
The new moon means you are likely to confuse cucumbers for gherkins. This could spell catastrophe when it comes to science related goals such as photographing chimps doing the Macarena.
April 20 – May 20
The Sun is weak which is the reason why your mother in law has gone to live in the sewer after being adopted by mutant pigmies. Don’t let this setback depress you. Find someone with large nostrils and fill both holes with porridge.
May 21 – June 20
Mercury is in a good phase but this is no excuse to electrocute yourself by wearing socks made from electric eels. This will only get you into a sausage fight with a giant gnome.
June 21 – July 22
Gangs of naughty leprechauns have stolen all the plasma from your blood which is why your hair has turned blue. This is just a minor side effect of Venus entering the 14th phase and is nothing to worry about.
July 23 – Aug 22
Gooseberries will make you pregnant – unless you are a woman in which case they will make all your spoons turn into mice. Avoid using musical instruments as powder puff as this will annoy your ruling planet Pluto.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
Jupiter has a preference for people with hairy toenails. Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and pretend you own an oil refinery. This will ensure your intestines are filled with yoghurt to the correct levels.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
You seem to be coating yourself in glue and rolling around in tomato seeds a lot recently. As well as bringing luck this could be seen by orangutans as a declaration of war. Avoid playing board games with people with large foreheads.
Oct 23 – Nov 21
The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo. This is a great time to be an in Manchester as luck is on your side. Give everyone you meet a pickle and say, “Let’s be friends!”
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Neptune has entered a bad phase! Don’t glue live goats to your toilet seat, as this will be extremely uncomfortable if you need to take a dump. Your dog will also thank you for it and will reward you with a pot of lard.