Dec 22 – Jan 19
You know those 8 spiders a year you eat in your sleep? Well they all add up you know. And now they are planning an escape sometime around 13th. This isn’t going to end well.
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Your dream will come true on 28th of the month. You know, the one where you’re in the house you grew up in as a child, and that bloke comes in and chases you around with an axe. Enjoy wont you.
Feb 19 – March 20
Move over Superman and Spiderman, after being bitten in a jazz club by a radioactive percussionist you become “Scatman” (or “Scatwoman”, let’s not discriminate). You decide to use your superpower of saying “skeebedee-bapbap-bo-doobydoo-wapwap-shawow-brrattat-at-tat” really fast to defeat crime and evil in all its forms.
March 21 – April 19
You annoy a lot of people by giving away spoilers to the next series of Game of Thrones. Like the bit where Arya goes blind, or when Jorah teams up with Tyrion, or when Cersei does that whole nude walk thing. Remember, it’s not big or clever to ruin things for people who haven’t read the books, so don’t do it.
April 20 – May 20
You make a life-altering career decision on 2nd. Instead of having your early morning dump before you go to work, you decide to do it after you get there. This buys you an extra 10 minutes to get ready for work, but makes for a very uncomfortable tram journey.
May 21 – June 20
Love is in the air and you know it because people around you are looking content. Not you though, or no. Once again you will be spending almost every evening in bed crying and wondering why no one loves you. Maybe next month will be different, but with a face like that we highly doubt it.
June 21 – July 22
Your decade-long battle to sue the producers of Jurassic Park for stealing the idea for a film you had after your parents took you to West Midland Safari Park reaches a climax this month when the judge issues a restraining order banning you from going within 100 metres of Stephen Spielberg and any members of his immediate family.
July 23 – Aug 22
This month you’re receive a come-on from a large homosexual gentleman in a pub toilet. Funnily He looks oddly familiar, but as the Eurythmics come on the juke-box you’ll realise that he just looks like the shaved red-head haircut that Annie Lennox sports in the Sweet Dreams video.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
Have you never noticed that complaining may make you feel better for a little while, but it just makes everyone else think you are a pathetic twat? Think on cock-womble.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
The strange thing about Libra’s is that they share many characteristics with Giraffes – long necks, a predeliction for grazing and a haughty look when you try to shoo them away from eating the leaves on the tallest trees. You also have sex whilst standing up. And have sex with giraffes. On the plus side, your eyelashes look amazing.
Oct 23 – Nov 21
Think of any number below 10. Double it, add six to it, then divide the result by two. Then take away the number your originally thought of. Using my amazing powers, I guess that the number you now have is… three. Ta-dah! Now if that doesn’t prove I’ve got the power to see the future I don’t know what does.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ve noticed your boyfriend has been a bit cold and distant lately. You’re right to be suspicious. Two weeks ago he was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an android whose mission is to spy on humanity. If you’re unsure, there’s a way to test him. Android’s do not react well with water, so next time he’s asleep/recharging, fill a bucket full of water and chuck it over him. If he reacts badly, perhaps yelling a few obscenities, then he’s clearly an android.