Dec 22 – Jan 19
This month your lucky name is Grahame. You should try and get a pork off anyone called this wherever possible. Be sure not to confuse Grahame with the name Graham, as hes a right nut job and will steal fruit from your fridge in the dead of night and try and shove it up your japs eye whilst you sleep.
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Live life how you would like and you will part this world a happier person. Although you may spend a good deal of your life in jail though. Brown is your unlucky colour for the whole month. Avoid it at all costs.
Feb 19 – March 20
Weird is not a word you’d normally associate with your behaviour. That’s because you’re completely normal and sane. However you should probably stop combing the hair of strangers on the bus, some people don’t like shit like that you know.
March 21 – April 19
Being stung by a bee is about as much fun as licking the devils genitals. Do not wear yellow on 20th of the month as this will attract a swarm of bee’s and possibly wasps, and maybe even them huge flying ant things that you get in the summer in the inner counties, like Nottingham, for example.
April 20 – May 20
Romance is in the air on 11th for a whole 9 days, just over the western coast of Norway. If you don’t happen to be near western Norway, then chances are there’s no chance of a pork again and you’ll finish your evenings in a pool of lonely tears never having felt the meaning of true love.
May 21 – June 20
Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this month as they find out about your recent lottery luck. Next doors cat will bring you what appears to be a dead sparrow on 18th. Beware, it isn’t actually dead and will attempt to fly off once the cat has dropped it – leaving splattered blood all over your kitchen.
June 21 – July 22
On the 8th, for the first time, just about half past 10, for the first time in history, its gonna start raining men. This will be a right shitter if you’re a lesbian though as they’ll be like blokes everywhere. Try to stay indoors as people falling out of the sky can cause injury, and umbrella’s won’t help.
July 23 – Aug 22
You will be mortified on the 2nd of the month when you are rudely shunned in the street by Gail Platt from off of Corrie. This is because celebrities don’t find you attractive as you are pond scum in comparison.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
Tuesday’s will be good day for you this month, but which Tuesday in particular is up to you. Paper can cut, and words can hurt. Which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox with immediate effect.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this month you might find yourself thinking “Well, now that just seems like a fairly standard amount of lady”. And if you think that, well then that proves that this horoscope was accurate now dosn’t it.
Oct 23 – Nov 21
Your groin will thank you on 31st after a year’s wait in purgatory see it finally live out its wildest dreams and rub against someone else’s. If you think that’s rude, you just wait to see what the evening has in store for your bottom. Get extra Stork marg from Spar, you’ll need it.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Avoid people with lopsided breasts during the second half of the month. They are poisonous and are destined to cause destruction. You have been warned.