Dec 22 – Jan 19
Remember, paedophiles are around every corner. Particularly on 2nd of the month.
Jan 20 – Feb 18
This month, you’ll start casually stealing sweets from petrol stations as a result of suppressed rage for a directionless life. If you’re a man, you’ll grow a beard. If you’re a woman, you’ll grow a beard.
Feb 19 – March 20
June isn’t really going to be your month, so don’t get too excited. You’ll be the recipient of a really bad infestation of crabs. You’ll watch all of Breaking Bad, so you’ll at least finally know what the fuck everyone else has been talking about. At least that’s something positive.
March 21 – April 19
Your credit card will get stolen and when you see the charges you’ll realise the thief has way better taste in porn than you. You’ll wake up with hair like Rod Stewart on 11th.
April 20 – May 20
If you are a Taurus. man unfortunately you’re about to pick up a weirdo fungus from the gym that will basically shrink your junk down to the size of a golf pencil. Act surprised. For the lady Taureans out there – you will meet a handsome doctor. Poke a hole in that condom.
May 21 – June 20
Geminis, it’s no secret that you have multiple personalities (all of them cunts) and will fuck pretty much anything. People gravitate towards you – even though you’re really dumb – because you give surprisingly great advice and always have snacks. June is probably going to be a bit wank for you. Stick a tampon in it.
June 21 – July 22
Cancer man. June will see you buying a whole new wardrobe which is good because at this point no one can tell where the homeless stops and the artist/hipster begins. Lady Cancers – you’ll probably start stripping but you’ll be a fancy stripper who, like, bangs politicians and actors as opposed to the kind who works the day shift near the airport. Yay.
July 23 – Aug 22
You’re in need of a damn good dicking. June will be the perfect month for this as the sun moves into Uranus’ second orbit. Normally people tell you to talk about your problems but this month I’m going to recommend that you bottle that noise up. It’s very likely that this is the year you’ll stab someone on the subway or get stabbed yourself unless you shut up.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
You’ve been secretly asking yourself how much ball sack its appropriate to have on show in the office dress down Friday’s. The answer is between 2 and 3 square inches.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
There must be something that you always want to do. The one thing that you always wanted to. Now you’ve done it, Jim has fixed it for you. And you and you and you. Bom-ba-baa, bom-ba-baa, bom-ba-bom-ba-bom-ba-baa, bom-ba-baa, bom-ba-bom-ba-bom-ba-baa bom-ba-baa.
Oct 23 – Nov 21
This month you’re going to look really good in shorts so consider taking up tennis. In You’ll find out that you’re not allergic to gluten after all, so eat all dem cakes fatty bum bum. You’ll pee yourself a little bit during a work meeting or other important event involving numerous witnesses, but otherwise things are going pretty well for you.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you came to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone. You’ll spend the month sleeping with heffa’s again.